The Great Depression

1/26/15 Thursday

Today is another low day. I woke up groggy and uncomfortable. The steroids just make it so uncomfortable to even be in your own skin. I feel puffy and bloated and nothing fits in my closet. I had weaned down to just one pill a day (3mg) and lost 7 pounds and most of the tight, puffiness. Then my microscopic colitis starting acting up again so I had to go back on the full dose of steroids (9mg) and in just 3 days the 7 pounds is back and the uncomfortable-ness is for sure back.

At work I was a mess and could barely keep it together. I kept crying anytime I started to talk and then they asked me to just go home since obviously I wasn’t feeling well. That night I could not stop crying. I felt defeated and like I couldn’t go on. I never felt suicidal but it felt like I would never get better and everything was going wrong and because of all of my illnesses it made it worse for everyone else.

The next morning I woke up and called in sick. I waited in the parking lot of the psychiatric facility for Kaiser until they opened; laying in the back of my van on the floor bundled in blankets. I called the nurse and she talked to me and said she would do her best to get me in to see the psychiatrist on call. She called me a couple times during the hour I was waiting to hear from the psychiatrist to make sure I was okay. I spoke with the psychiatrist on the phone finally and she had me come in immediately.

The on-call psychologist was terrific. She took me through breathing techniques to relax and release stress and anxiety, she had me meditate and I went through hypnosis. I ‘awoke’ feeling calm and as if I could face the world again. Then I went on to see the psychiatrist and talked with him for about an hour. He assured me I would get through just fine and I felt a million times better when I left.

It’s been five days since then and I haven’t had any significant sad moments or feelings of depression. I was given some great tools to help myself cope.

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