Written April 2014, published Jan. ’15
I’m on my second day of 5 milligrams of steroid. It’s been going good so far which surprises me. The one thing I’ve noticed is that I’m extremely tired. So tired that Juan and the kids talk to me in the morning and I have no recollection of the conversation. As well as, falling asleep mid-sentence. The upside is that I seem to have my normal energy levels by lunchtime. I thought for sure it would be terribly hard when I got down to 5 mg. I had a massive headache yesterday but no aches in my joints or muscles and no anxiety throughout the day. I did have a nightmare last night of someone trying to kill me and I woke up in an anxiety attack but nothing that Ativan couldn’t solve. Looking forward to testing tomorrow morning to see if I’m producing cortisol on my own and if so, how much? It’s an exciting time.
I’m back on steroids. Unfortunately, this needs to happen for a new diagnosis and I hate it. The steroids throw my whole body off. They make me anxious and sad and uncomfortable. Besides the fact that they make me gain weight, which is the WORST! I just can’t get away from the weight gain. It’s the nightmare that never ends.
Some days are harder than others. Yesterday was really hard. The time drags and it feels like the day will never end. I have a heavy feeling of sadness that I just can’t kick and I don’t even know why I feel so sad. I just want to cry and I feel hopeless but there is nothing that has happened and no visible reason why I should even feel that way. Then I start questioning myself. Why am I so sad? Will I ever be happy? Luckily the psychiatrist emailed me back and told me start back on celexa and I took a pill immediately, thinking that the sooner I get into a rhythm, the sooner I will feel better.
I don’t want to be home and cooped up but I don’t want to be out and around people. It’s awful. I can’t stand being in my own skin. I can’t get away from myself; there’s nowhere to go and no way to feel comfortable.
I couldn’t even decide what to have for dinner. I felt paralyzed just thinking of making a decision. Nothing sounded good to eat and the whole thought felt extremely overwhelming. I made it through the day even though it was really difficult. Even hugs or encouraging words didn’t make a difference. Nothing seemed to help. I took a bath, vegged in front of the TV and had a glass of wine. Most people would probably think that a glass of wine is a bad thing when you are already feeling down but it helped this one time. It took my mind off of my sadness and I didn’t care for a whole TV show and then went to bed.
When I woke up this morning I had a bad headache from the wine but felt better, a little more relaxed and like I could bare the world again.
This morning was light years better. I feel a bit renewed and like I can get through the day. Maybe it’s the medication, perhaps not though. That would be really quick. Maybe it’s just a better day and I just have to remember that there will be good days ahead even when I’m feeling low.